Once Upon A Time

DISCLAI MER: The Sentinel and its characters are the property of Petfly, Paramount, Di Meo and Bilson.

This piece of fanfiction is written for the enjoyment of others. No copyright infringement is intended. No money has exchanged hands.

Summary: Both partners must relearn a lesson.

Post TS by BS

Sharif - sharif@lsol.net

Zamlo - nccs@xmission.com

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once Upon A Time I had a life. Now, not one but two, lay in shambles at my feet.

Once Upon A Time I was needed. Now I am untrustworthy and hold no value even to myself.

Once Upon A Time I was happy. Now nothing but loneliness awaits, stretching gray and desolate before me.

Once Upon A Time I was whole. Now what is left of my soul withers a little more with each passing hour. Soon it will be gone, leaving a void within me that nothing will ever be able to fill.

We cannot go back in time, but what lies ahead if all that we hold dear is gone?

I’m not sure I have the strength to find out. Not when every fiber of my

being is crying out to go back to what was...

ONCE UPON A TIME

Blair labeled and sealed the last box, stacking it on top of the others in the corner of the room. The Room, for it was no longer his room he reminded himself. He was not going to force his presence on his friend (was he still?) any longer than necessary.

It was hard but had to be done. Whether it would be harder than the press conference and returning to Rainier last month to retrieve his belongings was yet to be seen. Each incident had driven home to him just how much of a failure he truly was, to himself and everyone else.

Going back had not been pleasant and as much as he would have liked Jim with him, he had been relieved when Jim hadn’t offered to help. The whispered remarks had torn at his soul. He knew what Jim would have heard would have been much worse, the ones spoken in hushed tones under one’s breath. Blair knew what they were saying, whether the actual words reached his ears or not. Their expressions said it all. Colleagues he considered friends now gave him odd looks, went out of their way to avoid him, and spoke behind upraised hands. Jim certainly did not need to hear those comments.

As it was Jim seemed to be evading him lately. Coming up with all sorts of excuses why he couldn’t be at the loft when Blair was there, or at least when he was awake. Perfectly reasonable excuses if you didn’t know Jim like he did. No, the sentinel deserved a guide he could trust, the cop deserved a partner he could depend on, and Jim needed a friend he could share his innermost feelings and secrets with. All of which he was not, once upon a time maybe, but no longer.

The detective’s badge had offered momentary hope, a reprieve from the feelings of worthlessness that filled his every waking hour. But the illusion quickly passed and the reality set in. He was not cut out to be a cop. He enjoyed and relished his observer status; the excitement, adrenaline surges, and friendships that Major Crimes offered without the need to carry a gun. But he had thrown it all away with a click of the mouse on his laptop. As sensitive and dangerous as the material was to the sentinel, he never should have put it in anything as deceptively secure as a computer. He deserved everything that came his way. Being called a fraud was getting away easy when in his heart he knew betrayer was more accurate.

Something was tugging at him, refusing to let go, refusing to let him get on with his task. *The roof, I need to get to the roof.* Jim wouldn’t be home for a few hours yet and there was time to take a short break and still get the boxes into the car. Where he would go he didn’t know, maybe get in the Volvo and just drive. Like in that Star Trek movie, thata way, second star to the left and straight on till morning.

Blair left the loft, closing the door softly behind him and climbed the narrow stairs leading to the rooftop. A cold wind misted with rain was blowing in off the bay as he opened the door and stepped out. Storm clouds loomed dark and foreboding against the horizon. The distant rumble of thunder could already be heard and lightning streaked the sky. Wind gusts tore at his shirt. He almost turned back to retrieve his jacket then thought better of it. Something had pulled him here, he felt the tug still, and leaving for any reason was not an option. He moved further out onto roof and felt the bite of the wind increase as the drizzle turned into a steady rain that quickly soaked him.

He made his way to the edge of the apartment building almost losing his resolve as he neared it. *This is totally nuts,* he told himself, *I don’t even know why I’m here.* Blair wrapped his arms around himself trying to quell the shivers that were running through him. Whether from the wind and cold or something else he wasn’t sure. He eased himself forward a hesitant step at a time, stopping a few inches from the edge. “Oh, man,” his stomach lurched as he peered over the side.

Lightning forked neon-bright over the water, casting a brief, iridescent shimmer on the churning water and thunder crashed much closer. Below him sparks flew and lines sizzled as a power pole shook then fell, taking lines with it. Their area of the city went dark. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise because he could no longer make anything out below except the crackling and smoking pole. The edge of the building seemed to meld into the ground, giving the illusion that he could just walk away. *Maybe that’s why I’m here. Just step over.* he gave the thought a moment’s consideration. He had no future and no one would even realize he was gone.

He risked another glance over the side and through the smoke and rain clearly saw, not one, but two figures lying broken below. “NO WAY…not Jim! Can’t let that happen?” And then he was on his knees, losing what little he had eaten that day. He sat there well after the dry heaves abated, hands resting on thighs, trying to regain some control. He tried to push the unimaginable scene to the back of his mind, only marginally succeeding. When he could once more draw a normal breath he got to his feet, shaking a bit as he did. The emptiness pressed in around him or maybe it was the emptiness inside. In the distance a siren blared in response to the blackout and he wondered briefly if it might be Jim. No matter. *But it does matter.* echoed inside. “What am I doing up here?”

“That’s a good question, Chief, what are you doing up here?”

The unexpectedness of Jim’s unheard arrival startled him and he stepped back, his foot finding the rim and slipping off. Panic seized him and his arms flew out involuntarily. He felt the weightlessness take him and then his hand was grabbed. For an instant he felt them both start to topple, but then Jim somehow managed to reverse their momentum and throw them both backwards onto the roof. Breath left him with a whoosh and he lay stunned, too shaken to move. Slowly he regained his senses and with them came the knowledge that Jim hadn’t moved beneath him. “Jim? Jim! Are you all right?” Blair eased himself off of his friend. “I’m sorry, man. Jim, are you okay?” He turned and looked down at Jim, taking in the ashen face and drastically slowed breathing. Blair laid a hand on Jim’s chest, automatically switching into guide mode. He moved to shield Jim from the rain that was quickly turning into a downpour. “Jim, it’s okay. You’re okay. Just listen to my voice. Tune out the thunder...find the dial, turn it down.” Concern turned to astonishment as Jim slowly raised a hand and clumsily pushed Blair’s hand away then tried to push himself backwards. “Jim, is it your sense of touch? Turn the dial down to zero, then...”

“No...fine...just..can’t..” Understanding took hold, it wasn’t touch in general, but him in particular. With the proof before him that Jim could no longer stand to see him, much less be touched by him, all Blair’s defenses shrank into a tight cocoon around his heart, trying to protect what little was left of it. He jerked his hand back and skittered away, closer to the edge of the building.

“Blair, stop. Please.” The weakness in Jim’s voice was evident. “You’ll..fall.”

Blair stopped torn. Part of him wanted to get as far from his partner as possible while another wanted to wrap his arms around Jim and find out what was wrong with him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jim. I’m sorry. Just let me help you downstairs. My stuff is already packed up, won’t take but a few minutes to get it in the car.” He got to his feet and reached for Jim’s arm.

“Don’t touch me…please.” Jim pleaded and a knife of regret at all he had lost found Blair’s heart.

“Jim, I only want to help you. Let me help.” He couldn’t stop the tears from falling any longer. “I promise I’ll leave then.”

“You don’t...understand.” Lightning illuminated the night sky, striking an antenna on a neighboring building and thunder rumbled directly overhead. Jim covered his ears as best he could, closing his eyes in a tight squint as Blair fell to his knees. He recovered quickly and extended a hand toward Jim as he got to his feet.

“Jim, we have to get out of here. We can’t stay here.” *This is all my fault, if I hadn’t come up here we wouldn’t be in this mess.* He just seemed to keep adding one disaster on top of another. “We have to get off this roof , there isn’t time for me to go and get help. Can you stand by yourself?”

“Don’t...think so.” Jim lay his head back down on the roof. Rain ran in rivulets off his face, the features slackening even as Blair watched.

“That’s it. I have to get you out of this rain.” Blair’s voice rose over the din, not sure if Jim would hear him or not with his senses off kilter. “I won’t touch you anymore than I have to, but we are getting off this roof!” Rain soaked his clothes and the wind cut through them, chilling him to the bone. He pushed the discomfort aside and tried to stop the trembling that had taken over his body. *Please, God, just let me get him down from here and be all right That’s all I ask. He’ll never have to see me again. Just let him be all right. Please.* he prayed .

Blair hesitantly reached for the sleeve of Jim’s jacket, shaking fingers closed around the hem. When there was no reaction from his partner he continued. “Okay so far, big guy. I’m going to help you up now.” He felt the muscles beneath his hand clench at the contact but held on. He slowly tried to ease Jim to his feet. “That’s it. Just a minute and we’ll be inside. Once we’re in the loft I’ll leave, promise.” He rambled on more to keep himself from noticing the effect his touch was having on his partner than to actually calm Jim who was almost out of it now. No calming needed there. He wrapped one of Jim’s arms around his shoulder and held onto his hand, all the time trying to ignore how Jim cringed at his touch. Blair put his other arm around Jim’s waist and slowly, staggering under the weight, walked them to the stairs, leaving the storm behind them.

Once inside the stairwell, he sat Jim down on the top step. Standing on a lower step directly in front of Jim, he sent up a breathless but heartfelt, “Thank you, God.” He still held onto his friend, afraid Jim would topple down the steps if he let go. “Okay, we’re out of the rain at least. We’re going to rest here a few minutes and then I’m going to get you downstairs and call Simon.”

“No...” even that one word seemed to be too much for Jim to get out. “Have to talk...we ...talk.” the last of it but a whisper.

“Shh. It’s okay. We can talk once we get you downstairs. I’ll stay until Simon gets here.” How he was going to get Jim down those stairs was a mystery but he had to try. He needed to get him warmed up. “We’ll go slow. Think you can make it?” Blair pulled Jim up once more, amazed at his ability to even get him to his feet. *Adrenaline surge.* As high as he felt now he knew it would be a hard crash when it wore off.

Step by step he guided Jim downwards, feeling him weakening even further as they progressed. He was almost a dead weight by the time they made it to the loft door. Leaning Jim against the wall and holding him up with his body he managed to get the door open and them inside. There were no more shivers from Jim, there was almost nothing from him now. Blair somehow managed to get Jim to the nearest couch then helped him lay down. He grabbed the afghan from the back and tucked it tightly around his partner before turning to start a fire. Lightning continued to flash, brightening the loft and he used it to his advantage. Soon he had a fire blazing then reached for the phone only to find it dead. *Where is that cellphone?* He seemed to remember it being in his backpack which he, of course, had left in the Volvo. Without a doubt Jim’s was in the truck.. *Can’t leave him alone until I get him warmed up.*

“Have to get something hot into him.” He muttered to himself as he headed back into the kitchen to see if the gas stoved. It was then he noticed that Jim’s eyes were open and following him. Blair detoured back to the couch and went to sit on the couch edge beside his partner but was stopped by Jim’s upraised hand.

Blair backed away and let his legs collapse beneath him. All the energy he had felt earlier abruptly drained from him. Talk about adrenaline crashes. “I won’t touch you, Jim. I made a fire and was just going to try and make some of that tea you like. Soon as I get you warmed up a bit I’ll go down to the truck and call Simon. See if he can stay with you.” He got shakily to his feet and began to back away.

“Don’t leave.” It was a command not a request, said with a hint of the man’s normal authority and with it a bit of color rose into Jim’s cheeks. It stopped Blair dead in his tracks.

“The water...” Blair pointed then started for the kitchen. “Whoa,” he put a hand to his head and leaned against the back of the couch.

“Sit down, Chief.” Jim said with a bit more conviction and Blair was relieved to see more color returning to the wan cheeks.

“Tea..”

“Sit.” Jim emphasized the remark with a downward shake of his hand.

For once Blair listened and sat down. He struggled to keep his eyes open then gave in and closed them ‘for just a minute’….

************

A horrendous clap of thunder echoed through the loft, jerking him awake and reverberating through his skull. Blair shook himself and noted the time. He’d fallen asleep for an hour. He was supposed to be taking care of Jim... “Jim? Oh, man, I’m sor....” Blair was shocked to see Jim awake and watching him, definitely not well, but much improved from an hour ago. He started to get up but was stopped short.

“Hold it right there, Chief.” All the color drained from Blair’s face. It hadn’t been a nightmare. Jim really did not want anything to do with him.

“It’s okay.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jim knowing what he’d see. “I’ll call Simon and wait for him downstairs.” He started to get up out the chair but was once again stopped.

“You aren’t going anywhere, Sandburg. We have to talk and try to figure out what’s happening here.”

Blair fell back into the chair. “That’s easy. I screwed up royally and you don’t want anything to do with me. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a brick, Jim. I can take a hint. I don’t even know why you want to talk when you can’t stand to have me around. All you would have had to do was ask and I would have been out of here weeks ago. You wouldn’t have had to stay away from your own home.” Blair let his head fall against the chair in defeat.

“Blair, you just don’t get it do you. Remember after the incident at the fountain,” Jim’s voice drifted into nothingness as though afraid his words would raise the demons of that time and place. “The water’s fine, come on in...I think ready or not, Chief, we’re taking that trip. Sink or swim time.”

His stunned expression must have answered for him because Jim smiled and just a bit of the ice inside him melted. “My little professor at a loss for words?” Jim chided. “Didn’t think I’d ever see the day.” Jim sounded stronger than even a little while before. Blair stood, and once again made an attempt to go to Jim but was stopped by that upheld hand.

“Jim,” Blair shook his head in confusion, “will you please tell me what’s going on. Your tone tells me ‘come closer’ yet your words tell me ‘stay away’. I feel like the Push You Pull Me in Dr. Doolittle.” He dropped his gaze to the floor, afraid to look at his friend. “What do you want me to do? Just say the word and I’m out of here. No problem.”

“Blair, leaving should be a problem for you because it sure would be one for me.” He could feel those cool blue eyes on him, refusing to release him.

“Jim, you’re talking in riddles here, man.” He looked up but found he could not move.

“I’m going to try and explain, just don’t come any closer, okay.” Jim gestured just enough to get his point across. “I’m going to need all the strength I’ve got to try and get through this and still come across as being sane.”

“Jim, this is me you’re talking to. We’ve had more weird stuff happen to us than anyone I know, and I’m still here. If you know what’s happening, just please tell me.” He pleaded. “It’s kind of scary you know, to suddenly have your best friend not want you anywhere near.” He tried to keep the faint trembling he felt in his heart out of his voice.

“Will you sit down, please. I feel like you’re getting ready to bolt out of here any second.” Blair sat, balancing on the very edge of the chair seat and Jim continued. “What you just said,” about me not wanting you near, isn’t true you know.”

“Riddle time again, Jim. Just cut to the chase.”

“Okay, here goes. I’ll admit that I was having a hard time with all this dissertation stuff. But after things started to settle down you were still drifting away from me, from all your friends. I tried, the guys at the station tried. Simon thought that if you could be my official partner it would help so he pushed through the academy idea. And it did, for a little while; until it was time to actually start last month.” Jim paused, whether for effect or to regain his breath Blair couldn’t tell. “Then you said you couldn’t be the cop I wanted you to be.”

“But Ji..”

“No interruptions. I never wanted you to be anything for me. Just being you was and still is enough for me. I shoulder as much blame for all that went down as you do. Probably more.”

“Jim, none of it was your fault. I’m the one who wrote the dissertation then left it on the laptop. No one else, just me and I’m not shirking responsibility for it.” He had to get out of there. He could feel the walls starting to close in on him. His muscles tensed as he readied to push himself up. Obviously the movement did not go unnoticed.

“Don’t even think about, Junior.” Jim said sternly then softened his voice, “Breathe, that’s it nice and easy, just like you tell me.” The panic in his eyes must have been coming through loud and clear.

“I’m sorry we have to do this now but we can’t go on like this any longer.” He could feel Jim reaching out to him with his voice but no outward movement was made.

“Blair you did nothing. Naomi sent the dissertation out, not you. Now I know you find her blameless in this and if that’s how you want to see it, fine. I’m past blaming anyone.” Jim relaxed further back into the couch cushions and Blair found himself automatically responding to the movement. He eased back into the chair a bit more. “This will blow over, Chief. The press will find someone new to fixate on and they’ll forget all about us. We just have to give it a little time. If it gets to be too much, we can look at other options. But whatever we do, we do it together. We will get through this if we do it together.” It might have been voiced as a statement, but Jim’s eyes were asking a question and Blair found he had no answer, only a question—the question.

“How can we work through anything when you can’t stand the sight of me?”

“With all that mystic mumbo jumbo you’re into I would think you’d be the one to see it, not me.”

“Jim, you’ve totally lost me.”

“Why were you on the roof, Sandburg. Just what had you planned on doing?” Jim definitely seemed to be getting stronger the more they talked.

“It was just an impulse. I was packing up the boxes and all of a sudden I had this urge. Something was pulling me there and I went with it. I just felt like I had to be there.” Blair looked directly at Jim. “While we’re talking about rooftops, why were you there?”

“Would you believe the same reason.”

“At this point I’d believe anything. I wasn’t going to jump when I went up there, Jim, honest. I went over to the edge and the thunder startled me, *a bit of obfuscation for Jim’s sake*, and I started to fall. You know the rest.”

“Do I? I thought you were going to jump, and that was why I’d been drawn there. To stop you. Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw you? You’re afraid of heights yet there you were, ready to jump to get away from me.”

“No way.” Blair met Jim’s eyes calmly, unwilling to scare his friend and certainly not wanting to share what had seen. A fleeting aborted thought did not constitute intent…did it? Hoping he had succeeded with the slight deception, Blair shook his head and continued. “You were avoiding me like I had the plague. For days you never came home unless you thought I was asleep. You didn’t want me at the office. We never talked. All I could think about was that you didn’t want me as your friend anymore, but I never wanted to get away from you, Jim. Never.” The frantic denial of seconds before gave way to the whispered words of his heart. He saw a smile touch Jim’s eyes at the admission.

“Blair, I tried to get you to talk, several time.”

“In hindsight I can see that, but back then all I could think about was how I’d messed up for everyone involved. How what happened could have repercussions for so many people. Jim, I needed time to think things through. Decide what I was going to do.” Tears glistened in the sapphire eyes once more, this time he let them slip silently down his cheek. “I’m so confused. Can’t think straight. Help me, please.” came from the depths of his soul.

“I will, Chief, I will. Shh, it’s going to be all right. I’ll tell you what I think and maybe between us we can figure it out, okay.” Jim’s hand made a slight reach for his, never fully completing the gesture. It was enough though to send a tendril of hope through Blair and he smiled. “Okay, here goes. Right after you decided not to go to the academy you started to pull away from everyone you knew, nothing held your interest. Looking back on it now, I think that must have been the last straw. That’s when the worst of the depression hit. Heck, it would have affected anyone the same way. But by that time we already had this chasm between us and with no communication we had nothing to bridge it with. No way to pull you back. Sound familiar?”

“It might, but what does that have to do with not wanting to be near me?”

“I’m getting to that part. It was about that time I started getting tired. It wasn’t too bad at the start but it got worse.” Jim ran his hand through his hair nervously. The gesture made
Blair keenly aware of the hard time his friend was having voicing his thoughts and feelings. He could almost see the wheels turning as Jim sought the words he was looking for. “I’d put in a full day and come back to the loft and it wouldn’t get better, it would get worse.” Jim’s voice lowered until Blair could barely hear him and he leaned forward in order to make them out. “I’d be more tired in the morning than I was when I got home the night before. Blair, that only happened when you were around.” Jim pinned him with that pleading look again as if not wanting what he had said to be true, but went on despite it. “I couldn’t explain what was happening. If I mentioned it to anyone but you, I’d find myself locked up in a padded room. You wouldn’t talk. Each time I tried you shut me out, pushed me further away. I think our spirit guides finally had enough of it and decided to do something about it, but first they had to get our attention. You still with me?”

Blair nodded.

“Crazy as it sounds, it felt like you were draining me of strength and eventually, the last few days, my life. The closer I got to you the worse it was. If we brushed by each other and touched it felt like a vacuum was sucking the life force right out of me. I didn’t know what was happening. Then tonight I had this vision. I felt pulled to the roof, and I’m glad I was, but when I grabbed onto you to keep you from falling, it took all that I had left. I could barely breathe, much less move. It took every reserve I had just to tell you not to touch me. I’m sorry if that hurt you but I had no choice, buddy.” Jim looked ashamed at the admission and Blair’s heart cried in empathy. Been there, done that too often lately.

“I understand, Jim, I do. But why....?”

“This feels like a bit of role reversal here, Chief, me trying to explain it to you.” Jim sat up and Blair could almost see his strength returning as he spoke. Apparently Jim was on the right track. “You’re the resident expert, not me, but I’ll give it a try. Somewhere along the line I think you forgot one important part of the equation. Maybe we both did. We forgot us. What happened, happened to both of us. Us. Not only you, not only me. How could one of us deal with what involved both? Blair, we needed to heal together and when that didn’t happen....trip time, if you get my meaning. We weren’t listening to our spirit guides anymore than we were to each other.” Jim stopped and looked at him. “Is this making any sense to you?”

“Yes, kinda like not seeing the forest for the trees sort of thing. Do you think now that we’ve figured it out, they’re ready to give it up and let us take it from here? You’re looking a lot better.” He met Jim’s eyes hesitantly, almost shyly, and went on. “You think I could touch you? Test it.”

“Won’t know if we don’t try.” There was no hesitation as Jim reached out this time. Even so, Blair gingerly placed his hand in Jim’s, expecting the worst.

“Well?” He prompted anxiously as he got to his feet, now holding tight to Jim’s hand.

“Nothing, Chief. No vacuum, no drain, nothing.” Jim moved over a bit to make room beside him, then patted the cushion. Blair quickly accepted the offer. “Seems like our spirit guides are satisfied that we can handle this on our own from here.”

“Together!” Blair emphasized. “After this latest demonstration, don’t think I’ll be forgetting it anytime soon.”

“Ditto for me.” Jim smiled, mussed the dark curls, then pulled Blair into a hug which he wholeheartedly returned.

Blair no longer had any doubts that together they could find their way back to ‘us’. Proof that if you were very, very lucky you could find your back to what was...

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once Upon A Time I had a life that shone bright as the stars on a summer’s eve. Now I hold the promise of a life that rivals the brilliance of the sun on a cloudless summer day.

Once Upon A Time I was needed to center and ground a man gifted with greatness. Now I walk at his side, secure in my place there.

Once Upon A Time I was happy, content with the role I played on this earth. Now I am filled with a joy that knows no earthly limits.

Once Upon A Time I was whole. I knew who I was and what I was here to do. Now I am complete. I know where I belong for eternity and beyond.