DISCLAIMER: The Sentinel and its characters are the property of Petfly, Paramount, DiMeo and Bilson. This piece of fanfiction is written for the enjoyment of others. No copyright infringement is intended. No money has exchanged hands.

 

SILENT MOORINGS by: Sharif: sharif@lsol.net   and    Zamlo: nccs@xmission.com

 

Spoilers: Night Shift

 

Summary: Jim discovers that sometimes when you stop trying, you find what’s lost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SILENT MOORINGS

 

Jim Ellison left the elevator, partner in tow and headed for Major Crimes. Detectives glanced up quickly then returned to their work with no more than a nod, not wanting that "look" from Ellison aimed in their direction. He pulled out the chair from behind his desk and eased his partner onto it. "I’ll be right back. Wait here." Without any doubt that he would be obeyed, he gave Blair’s shoulder a pat and stepped away from the desk.

 

"Anyone know where Simon is or when he’ll be back?"

 

Joel Taggart drew his attention. "He should be back anytime, Jim He had to go down to the lab for a minute." Joel made his way across the bullpen and over to the two men. "How you doing, Blair?" Joel asked as he bent to Blair’s eye level and placed a large, gentle hand on the lax shoulder. There was no acknowledgment of the question or the gesture, and Joel reluctantly turned his attention back to Jim. "Have you heard anything more? Any ideas how to bring him out of this?"

 

"Not really. That’s kinda what I want to talk to Simon about."

 

Joel glanced up as a few officers from Homicide entered, and he quickly moved to stand in front of Blair. "Why don’t you two go wait in Simon’s office. He shouldn’t be much longer."

 

"Thanks, Joel. It’ll give me a few minutes to try and get some things straight in my mind. The last couple hours have not been very pleasant."

 

" I’m here if you need to talk, Jim."

 

"I know you are, and I appreciate it. You’re one of the few people I can talk it over with and may just take you up on it a little later. You know Blair considers you a special friend." Jim reached down and took Blair by the arm, turning him in the direction of Simon’s office.

 

"He’s pretty special himself. Anything I can do to help......." he let the words fade out.

 

"Thanks, Joel, that means a lot to both of us." Jim replied over his shoulder as he and Blair entered the captain’s office.

 

Jim sat Blair on the couch along one side of the room and started pacing the office. He could feel those haunting eyes following him. It took considerable restraint not to turn and grab the young man by the shoulders and shake him until this never ending frustration left. Then on impulse, he did turn and looked at Blair. He was where Jim had seated him. Still and straight, hands resting lightly on his thighs, completely relaxed, just as Jim knew he would be. Only those eyes moved and now that Jim had stopped, so had they. "How do I get through to you? What will it take?" What he wouldn’t give to see the old Blair again.

 

Blair looked up, smiled, and Jim’s heart sank. That damn Mona Lisa smile, each and every time he saw it he prayed it would be the last. He never thought he’d tire of his partner’s smiles, but this new one was void, empty of any emotion, and it froze his heart each time it played across Blair’s features. Yet as much as he hated it, he could not let it go unacknowledged. He knelt in front of his partner and leaned in forehead to forehead, hoping for any sign at all from Blair that he was aware of the contact. "You can rattle on and on about anything you want. I promise I’ll listen to every word you say. Please, Blair. Just try," he whispered to the man he faced. But there was nothing and he broke away, giving the jean clad knee a quick squeeze as he got back to his feet. He turned to the door as Simon Banks entered his office.

 

"Jim." Simon’s eyes strayed to Blair, concern evident in the chocolate eyes. "Joel said you wanted to talk to me." Simon walked behind his desk and reached for the coffee mugs. "Coffee? It’s a new blend I just got in." He glanced back at Jim and motioned him to the chair in front of his desk.

 

"I could use a cup. What I have to say isn’t going to be easy."

 

Simon filled the mugs and handed one to Jim. "I take it this is one of those things I don’t want to hear but need to know."

 

"Most likely, but it’s got to be said."

 

"Jim, just tell me you’re not going to quit. We can work something out. Everyone’s willing to help you work out any kind of schedule you need, here and at home."

 

"I know, Simon, and I’m not quitting, not yet anyway. I do need some time off though. A couple weeks to start with. I may have to extend that into an indefinite leave later on. At this point, I don’t really know. There are some things I need to look into." Jim got to his feet, the adrenaline from the day’s earlier confrontation still running through him. "Dad has been checking out some options for us, and I need to go over them before making any decisions." He went to the window, his sight automatically zeroing in on a swirling hot dog wrapper.

 

"Jim! Jim! Come on, snap out of it."

 

He came back to himself with a start. "What?...What happened? Where’s Blair?" Simon’s hand were on his shoulders, shaking him none to gently.

 

"He’s fine, Jim. Which is more than I can say for you. Come back here and sit down." Simon tried to draw him away from the window to the recently vacated chair.

 

"I can’t sit, I’m too wired."

 

Simon let him go, instead reaching for the pull on the blinds and closing them. Jim gave him a questioning look but Simon just shrugged and went back to his chair. He pulled out a cigar, and began twirling it between his fingers. "What about the therapy sessions? Do you think it’s a good idea to leave right now? You did mean both of you are leaving, right?"

 

"Simon, I would never leave Blair behind." The softness of his voice abruptly changed to one of anger. "That person, I’m not even going to refer to her as a psychiatrist, is the main reason we’re leaving now. Just as soon as you okay this leave time. And you can pass that onto the staff shrink for me, too."

 

"Jim, what are you talking about? Ben wouldn’t refer you to anyone he didn’t have confidence in, that he didn’t think could help Blair."

 

"Oh, she wanted to help all right. She wanted to admit him for evaluation. We both know what the next step would be." Jim found himself pacing the office in the now muted light, fingers running through his hair in frustration. "Once she had him in there, admit would change to commit. He doesn’t need that. I told her in no uncertain terms that her help was no longer needed. I’ll take care of him myself."

 

"Jim, I know you want to help him but..."

 

Jim stopped and turned back to face his captain. "There are no buts here Simon. I’m the only one that can help him. Can’t believe it’s taken me four months to figure that one out."

 

 

"You’ll be going against all the experts if you stop the therapy."

 

"Experts! The only expert here on sentinels and guides is Sandburg, and we can’t exactly consult with him now, can we?" He could not keep his gaze from turning to his still silent partner for an instant and his tone softened. "That leaves me. I’m working on instinct here. I have nothing else to go on."

 

"Jim, just when did you decide to do this? In the heat of an argument with Dr. Maryn? Don’t you think a decision of this magnitude deserves more thought than that?"

 

"This isn’t a hasty decision, Simon. I’ve been mulling it over for the last couple of weeks, but I knew when she started in on that evaluation crap that it was time." The anger was back full force. "I told her what she could do with her ‘suggestion’ and went home and packed up the camping gear. Truck’s all loaded. Soon as we’re done here we’re taking off."

 

"Do you know where you’re going?"

 

"Dad has a cabin up near the border. Think we’re going to end up there eventually but I’m not pushing it. As long as the weather holds, we’re going to camp out, take our time and get to the cabin whenever we get there."

 

"Then you’ve talked this over with your dad?" Simon set down the cigar, picked up his coffee cup and blew into the steaming mug before taking a sip.

 

"Dad, Sally and I have been talking about lots of things. I could never have come back to work without their help, even on a part-time basis. They said I can keep bringing Blair over there during the day, but I know it’s a strain on them. Dad’s come up with some ideas of where to go from here if things don’t get better." Jim continued to pace.

 

"You mean if Blair doesn’t get better."

 

"Simon, it’s not like any of this is his fault. He was only doing his job. Kelly was upset over the grade but there wasn’t a whole lot he could do. Just before this whole nightmare started he told me how bad he felt, but that he had to give her the B she earned. Anything else wouldn’t have been fair to the other students. In the end it turned out to be a no win situation, either way he was going to lose. He just didn’t know it. Who would have guessed that she was so messed up she would wait until he got in his car then go up to his window, pull out a gun and kill herself right in front of him. What kind of nut case commits suicide over a grade? Where were the shrinks then?" he added sarcastically and swept a hand out, almost breaking the window in the office door.

 

"That’s it, Jim. Sit down. Now." Simon was out of his chair and bodily pushed him into the vacant chair, then continued as if nothing had occurred. "I don’t think anyone could have predicted what happened. There were no signs at all that she was suicidal. Something in her just snapped."

 

"Yeah, she snapped all right, but why did she have to take Blair with her?" Jim began nervously drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair. "Are we done here? Will you okay the leave? I want to get on the road before it gets too late."

 

"Jim..." Simon looked at the moving fingers but made no mention of it.

 

"Don’t try to talk me out of this, Sir. It doesn’t really matter if you okay it or not. Either way we’re out of here." He left the chair and went to get his partner from the couch. "Blair is worth far more than the job."

 

"Jim, wait, you didn’t give me a chance to finish what I was going to say. I just wanted to know if you wanted some company. I have a little time coming, too." He had Blair by the arm and was moving him to the door.

 

The defensiveness left his voice as he turned back to look at his captain and friend. "Thanks, Simon. I appreciate the offer, I really do, but this is something I have to do by myself. Maybe if we’re alone I can get through to him, something will click into place. I’ve got to try. If that doesn’t work, I’ll start sorting through those other options." Jim opened the door and gently pushed Blair ahead of him.

 

"I’ll take care of things at this end, Jim, just let me know how things are going."

 

"I will, and thanks for all your help, Simon." Jim said as they left the office. He glanced over to Joel and the other members of Major Crimes as they made their way through the bullpen. "That’s goes for all you guys. I’ll be in touch." He gave a wave and let the door to the hallway close on their well wishes and ushered Blair into the elevator.

 

*********

 

Several hours later Jim pulled off on a side road and looked across at his partner. "I can see a clearing over there, past those evergreens." Jim pointed off to the west. Blair did not look, just kept gazing straight ahead. Jim sighed and continued, "Think it would make a great camping site. There’s a stream not far off; might give us some good fishing. What do you think, camp here for a couple days before heading off to the cabin?" He expected no answer and so was not disappointed when none came.

 

He climbed out of the truck and made his way around to the passenger door, pulled it open and helped Blair out of the truck. "Should be able to make it in one trip. Think you can carry a few things?" //Why do I even bother asking?// floated through his mind and he quickly regretted it. //This is not his fault, why do I think things like that?// He took packs and a cooler out of the back, secured a pack around Blair and handed him the cooler. He reached back into the bed of the truck, grabbed the tent out, then picked up the remaining pack. "Come on, buddy, follow me." Jim led the way, glancing back, but knowing it wasn’t necessary. Blair would do whatever he was told. Jim shivered at the implications of that total vulnerability. As things stood now, he could leave Blair with no one that was not completely trustworthy, and that was turning out to be a very select few.

 

They maneuvered around the trees and rocks, Jim especially watchful for anything that could cause his partner to misstep. Ten minutes later he stopped and looked around. "This looks like a pretty good spot, don’t you think? Streams right over there." He turned Blair in the direction and pointed it out. "We can pitch the tent in front of those rocks; they’ll help block any wind. And would you look at that view." As he looked a bit closer he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. "Be right back." He sat Blair on a nearby boulder and walked over to the top of the hill. Relief set in when he saw that it sloped off to the valley below and did not just drop off as he had feared.

 

He turned back to Blair and helped him out of the pack. "Blair, buddy," he said as he knelt in front of him and smiled. He was rewarded with that Mona Lisa image again. He looked down, afraid of what his face might reveal. He did not have any idea what Blair was aware of and did not want him to read anything in his face that would show any form of regret or displeasure. Blair was naturally empathic, which might have been his downfall in this whole mess. No one who could associate so easily with another’s emotions could have survived unscathed from the ordeal his partner had endured. He schooled his features and looked back at his friend.

 

"Blair. I want you to listen to me, buddy." //Give me some signal here, Chief, that you understand what I’m saying// He sighed and went on. "What I have to say is important." The blue eyes began to wander and Jim laid a hand on either side of his face to gain Blair’s attention. "Chief, it’s not safe for you to go wandering around out here by yourself." Not that he thought Blair would, but he had to make sure. His senses hadn’t been all that reliable the past months, spiking and fading out at the most inopportune times. Definitely not reliable enough to trust Blair’s life to at this point. "Nowhere, buddy. Do you understand me?" Blair turned back to Jim but looked right past him. Perhaps through him was a better description, Jim decided.

 

He knew then he’d taken the wrong approach and set about correcting it. "Blair. Blair, look at me." Said harsher than he had intended, yet he had to remain firm, so he did not lighten his tone as he pulled the roaming eyes back to himself once more. "You do not go anywhere without me. You don’t go into the woods, down to the creek, or even behind a tree to relieve yourself without me. Understand?" He looked into the azure eyes in front of him, but there was no sign at all that he’d heard what Jim had just said. //Maybe this is one huge mistake and we should leave now.// He pushed the thought roughly aside. They deserved this chance, slim as it was. He would just have to be extremely careful and know where Blair was at all times. He let his hands slide from Blair’s face before getting up.

 

"Let’s get camp set up, it’s almost dark. You get the tent out, while I make a fire and get supper started." Jim pointed to the tent. He watched as his friend got up and started unpacking the tent, doing it all correctly, he noted with a satisfied little smile.

 

Jim continued to watch Blair as he set up camp and prepared supper. By the time everything was done and they’d finished eating, it was dark. Jim got them both into the tent and zipped the closure shut. Instead of positioning the sleeping bags side by side the length of the tent, he put Blair near the back and and laid his bag out near the front. He wasn’t going to take any chances that Blair would slip by him without waking him.

 

*****************

 

The next day proved to be uneventful. They fished, ate, hiked, lounged in the sun and generally did nothing but enjoy the weather, the surroundings, and each other. At least Jim was enjoying having his friend near; he couldn’t say if the reverse was true. He was careful not to let his partner out of his sight and offhandedly wondered if Blair was aware of the extra scrutiny. If so, he gave no indication of it, and Jim let it go.

 

The sun was putting on a spectacular show as it set. They sat on the hill watching the changing colors. Blair was in front of him, well away from the sloping edge, sitting in profile to the kaleidoscopic view. Jim relaxed, leaning back against a tree set off to the side and let his thoughts go. He wasn’t even sure if they were thoughts, more like feelings that needed to be expressed and took that avenue to be released.

 

**Blair, I don’t think this sentinel stuff is going to continue if you can’t help me. I don’t know what happens when a guide goes off line like this. Maybe all these senses just fade away. In fact, I think that’s already happening. I can live without them, Chief, but I can’t live without you in my life. Even if it stays this way, having you close by is all I’m asking. Please, don’t pull any further away. I can barely feel you in there sometimes now, and it really scares me.**

 

Blair sat gazing off into the distance, as if listening to something only he could hear. To what, Jim didn’t have a clue.

 

**I won’t let them lock you away, Chief, no matter what. I promise you that. Even if I have to quit the force and move us up here.**

 

An eagle flew overhead and Jim looked up. It was a spectacular sight, and he held a moment’s envy of the bird. It lived or died on its instincts. Something he could relate to at this particular time. His instincts were what had led them here. To what end remained to be seen. He glanced back at his partner, not even the eagle’s cry as it soared on the air currents, pulled the young man’s attention from whatever he had focused on so intently. Jim almost pointed the bird out but let it drop and went back to his Blair watching. //Where do we go from here, Partner?//

 

Jim let the solitude and beauty lull him, not noticing as he fell into a light sleep. When he suddenly jerked back to awareness, nothing was left of the sunset. The moon was high in the sky and stars shone brightly above him. It was then that he realized Blair was no longer sitting in front of him; in fact, he was nowhere to be seen.

 

Jim rose in a panic, turned in every direction, then ran to the sloping hill to make sure Blair hadn’t tumbled down it. "Blair? Chief?" The panic got stronger, stopping him in his tracks, not knowing in what direction to turn. It was then that he heard it, or was he feeling it? The softly muted thump-thump, thump-thump that echoed between brain and heart. He didn’t question it, just gave himself over to it, following with both his hearing and heart. It led him toward the stream, and for a moment the panic rose again. He chastised himself as the thump-thump grew louder. It was Blair’s heartbeat, and he was obviously fine. No need to rush in and scare him. //Scare him?// Was Blair capable of being scared under the present circumstances?

 

 

Jim pushed his way through the last of the trees surrounding the stream and stopped short. Blair was in the middle of the stream, wading through the knee high water. Moonlight cast a silver halo around him and danced diamond bright on the clear surface. Jim wanted to go to him, get him out of the cold water, but couldn’t make himself move. All he could do was watch as Blair made his way through the stream, stopping now and then to pick up a floating stick, flower or leaf that caught his attention. He looked unearthly, a being of light who had stepped into an unknown world and was entranced by everything around him. It was then that he looked up, and what shocked Jim the most was the animation, the wonder in his face, and most of all the iridescent sparkle in the dark eyes. He must have seen Jim standing there for a tear trickled down his face and fell into the stream, sending up a tiny splash that would have gone unnoticed without sentinel sight.

 

"Jim?" a whisper so soft even Jim had to strain to hear it, perhaps wouldn’t have if he hadn’t seen Blair’s lips move.

 

"Blair?!" He couldn’t keep the joy from his voice. Jim stepped into the water, not caring that the cold jolted through him and unwilling to take the time to dial it down. Then Blair was in his arms, and he felt the tears running down his own cheeks. Best of all, Blair was hugging him back, something he thought he’d never feel again. When he held him back away from himself, he saw the smile that reached every shadow and plane of the face before him. "What brought you back? I’ve talked so much in the last four months, and nothing seemed to get through."

 

"I don’t know, Jim. I just felt so lost, like I was in a little boat that kept moving further and further out to sea. Then I couldn’t see the shore anymore, and there was nothing to steer with, no oars, no way for me to get back." He looked away, as though ashamed. "I tried, Jim, re..ally." Blair’s voice faltered on the last word.

 

"Hey, it’s all right. Look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong, Buddy." Jim turned Blair back to face him. "Go on." he whispered, "I’m listening."

 

Blair hesitantly continued. "I would hear things that seemed liked directions, so I’d try to do what they said. I thought if I followed them they would lead me back home, but they never did." Blair stopped and took a shaky breath.

 

"Easy, take it slow. We have time."

 

Blair shook his head at the comment and went on. "Jim, you don’t understand. Even when I was lost, there were times when it felt like I was anchored to something strong and secure......I felt....safe." To add emphasis to his words, Jim felt Blair grasp his forearms and tighten his grip. "I think, now, that’s when you were with me." Amazement showed on his friend’s face, mirrored by his own, as Jim realized it was a just now recognized discovery on Blair’s part. How did he respond to that? He searched for the words but was stopped as Blair’s eyes widened in astonishment.

 

"Four months?! I’ve been out of it for four months?"

 

"Four months of me talking and you looking right through me. I don’t ever want to lose you like that, or any other way, ever again, Chief, so hang on to that anchor tight, okay." Jim shuddered at what had been lost and now regained. "What I want to know is what brought you back, what finally got through. Did you hear anything specific?"

 

"I don’t think so, not in the way you mean. There was no sound, just a feeling like hundreds of butterfly wings were fluttering against my chest, right over my heart. I don’t know how else to explain it..." Jim let the words wash over him, letting them soak in. He didn’t care if Blair never stopped talking. But reality returned with a shiver he could no longer hold back, and noticed that Blair was shivering, too.

 

"Let’s get out of here. It may be spring but this water is still darn cold." He helped Blair to the side of the stream, and they stepped out together. "I have a fire going back at camp. We’ll be warmed up in no time." Jim said as he led the way back.

 

"Better get out of these wet clothes. There should be some sweats in one of the packs, just hand me out a set." He held the tent flaps so Blair could go inside. A few minutes later both were wearing dry clothes, wrapped in blankets, and sitting shoulder to shoulder in front of the fire.

 

"Jim, tell me what happened, please. How I lost four months of my life."

 

"I don’t think this is the time or place to get into it.....When we get home is soon enough. You’re here, I’m here, let’s just enjoy now. Okay?"

 

"I want to, Jim, but I need to know what happened."

 

"You will, all of it. When you’re ready to hear it and I’m ready to tell it. Promise." Jim respected Blair’s need to know, yet at the same time was not prepared to go into all the gruesome details, and knew Blair was far from prepared to hear them. He was afraid that finding out too much too soon would send Blair back into the void and he would not be able to reach him again. His instincts had led them this far and was confident he would know when the time was right.

 

"I trust your judgment, Jim. I’ll let you decide when...just as long as it doesn’t take too long." Despite his words, Jim caught the slight shiver than ran through his friend and knew he had made the right decision.

 

"Subject is closed for now then, right?"

 

"It’s closed. How long before you have to be back to work?"

 

"You in a hurry to get back? We can stay as long as we want. Simon gave me time off and I’ve got the keys to Dad’s cabin."

 

"I like being with you, Jim; I’m in no rush to get back." Blair looked up and Jim almost gasped. The ordeal of the past months had changed Blair’s eyes in a way he could not easily define but had become accustomed to seeing. The ever present life-spark had faded during that time. The brilliance of a summer sun had softened, leaving behind the veiled luster of a cloud passing before a full moon. It was only now, presented with the pinpoints of glittering stars playing hide and seek in the indigo depths, that he became aware of just how drastic the change had been. Now that the spark had ignited once more.

 

Jim tried to look away, but the captivating eyes held him mesmerized, and he found it hard to answer. "You were never truly lost, you know. I was always with you." Jim softly confided.

 

"But I couldn’t find you, Jim. I couldn’t even find me."

 

"Even so, you were never alone; you know that, right?" It was important to Jim that Blair understand and

 

acccept it as a given. "I wouldn’t have left you, no matter what."

 

"I know."

 

Pearly moonlight continued to filter down, trapping Blair in its aura and making him glow. Jim shook his head to clear it before looking up again. Without conscious thought, sentinel sight sorted out the hues and variations that made up the opalescent performance taking place before him, and Jim could not turn away from it. With effort, he found the voice to continue, to separate what he saw from what was being said. "Blair, I never said a word out on that hill. I don’t even know that I was thinking anything." How did he explain to his friend when he didn’t understand himself?

 

"You were speaking with your heart, Jim, and somehow mine heard. I think it all goes back to what Gabe said, we have to listen to the whispers of our own hearts. When we do that, we can finally hear each other’s heart as well. There isn’t any other explanation."

 

"None." Jim replied absently, still transfixed.

 

The ethereal display intensified as he watched. He put a hand out to touch it and felt contentment spread through him, warm and comforting. Jim could no more explain it than he could Gabe and what had happened with him. He wouldn’t even try. //Just going to accept it for the miracle it is.// The miracle that sat beside him. In the distance he thought he heard a bell ring and smiled as he pulled Blair close.

 

END