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A Love and Guns Epilogue

Beta’d by CherylR and LisaA.  Thank you ladies so very much!

A very special “thank you” goes to Alyjude.

For LisaA and DawnTwilight, because you both gave me the unexpected gift of your friendship.

Jim Ellison’s return from a night of dreamless sleep to a state of wakefulness was gradual and driven by his internal clock that faithfully informed his body, no matter what day of the week it was, when it was 6:00AM and time to rise.  The Sentinel shifted his body in the big bed and the blue silk comforter that draped his form fell away as he stretched with the languid fluidity of a sleek cat.  His eyelids lifted, exposing the ice-blue eyes to the light that heralded the new day. A half a second later his awareness of what day it was kicked in and he sat up with a frown. 

Blair, his roommate who normally slept like the dead, was awake and up way too early on a Saturday morning, but this wasn't a normal Saturday. This was the day after Maya Carasco, daughter of the successful Chilean businessman with a dangerous hidden criminal history, had come to the loft to speak to Blair while Jim was busy entertaining and being entertained by the vivacious ATF agent Drennan.

Jim respected his young friend’s right to privacy, and so had never even considered using his  enhanced senses to eavesdrop in on the conversation between Blair and Maya.  It was clear that after the young woman had swept out of the loft without a word to Jim, the grieving, angry Maya had left behind a reeling and heartbroken Anthropologist in her wake.  

Blair Sandburg was not only a student of anthropology, he was also unofficially partnered with Detective Jim Ellison at the Cascade Police Department.  A few days previously Jim had asked the young police observer to get close to Maya in order to gain information about the criminal activities of her father.  Sandburg had eagerly accepted his assignment, but to the young man's chagrin, had also foolishly given his heart to the stunningly beautiful, young Chilean student by falling hard for her exotic blend of innocence and sex-appeal.  Despite Jim’s warnings not to get involved, the combination had been like sweet nectar to Blair and he’d been powerless to resist. 

After Maya had departed, the Sentinel had known without seeing Sandburg that the young man was crying. Jim hadn’t even stopped to marvel at how he could so easily identify the salty scent of Blair’s tears from another room.  All he knew was that he felt compelled to see to his Guide‘s welfare, but Jim’s mind and upbringing warred with the strange imperative to ease the hurt that Blair was experiencing.  The former covert ops officer was a repressed man, unaccustomed to offering words of comfort or talking about things that were hurtful or of a deeply personal nature. That was still true, but a great deal less so since the long-haired ball of energy known as Blair Sandburg had breezed into his life and moved into the loft.  Still, a part of Jim wanted to believe that Blair just needed to be left alone to get over Maya by himself. While Ellison had stood in the doorway of the little bedroom under the stairs, vainly searching for something wise and comforting to say to his devastated roommate, the words that Jim was unaccustomed to speaking and yet so desperately wanted to communicate, failed him. The only thing that had come out of the older man’s mouth was a lame joke and an inquiry as to whether or not Blair wanted a bowl of Chinese noodles.

Blair had turned his tortured gaze towards Jim with eyes that looked so darkened with heartache as to almost appear brown instead of their normal blue. The raw pain in those normally bright, inquisitive orbs and the misery on his face pushed Jim way past the demarcation line between his comfort zone and forbidden emotional places.  With a subtle shrug of the shoulders Ellison quickly backed away from Blair after the younger man had indicated he had no interest in sharing noodles with him and Agent Drennan.

It was an uncomfortable moment for the big detective and Jim had told himself that he could not have done anymore for Blair at that instant.  Relieved and worried at the same time, Ellison went back to his date with the sexy agent.  The food was good and the wine flowed freely.  The two spent the rest of the evening eating, drinking, talking, and laughing until the Agent Drennan left for home well past 11:00PM. 

After he was alone in the living room, the Sentinel had extended his hearing and discovered that Sandburg was sound asleep.  The soft, rhythmic snores were unbroken except for intermittent hitches that let him know that even in sleep, Blair was still disturbed by Maya’s visit.  Jim sighed and quietly turned out the lights and padded up the stairs to his bedroom.

******

Jim stopped in the kitchen on his way to the bathroom for his morning ablutions.  He found Blair sitting at the table staring listlessly at a cup of coffee clasped between his hands.  The Sentinel surveyed his roommate’s appearance.   His long hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and he wore rumpled-looking old gray sweats.  Blair looked tired and depressed. 

“Uhm.. I’m sorry if Agent Drennan and I kept you up last night,” he said by way of an introduction to the topic he wanted to ease into discussing.

“You didn’t Jim.”  Blair spared him a glance and then looked wearily back down at his coffee again.

“You’re up early.”

Silence. 

“You didn’t sleep too well last night Sandburg, did you?  You look like hell. What will the ladies of Cascade think?”  A split second too late, Jim realized he couldn't  have said anything worse to his hurting roommate.  The mortified older man would have been glad had the floor opened up at that moment and sucked him down to oblivion. 

“Sorry about that, Blair,” Jim quickly said as he absently rubbed a hand through his short hair. 

“It’s okay man.  I just want to know one thing.“ Blair looked straight up into the eyes of his Sentinel.

“Shoot, Chief.” 

“Did you listen in last night when Maya was here?”  Blair fidgeted nervously in his seat and pushed back a nonexistent stray hair from his forehead.

“No I didn’t.  This is your home and I respect your right to have a private conversation in it.”  How come he doesn’t know that? Jim wondered.

Blair merely nodded his head and Jim couldn’t help but get the strange feeling that Blair was slightly disappointed to learn that Jim had not listened in.

******

When Jim emerged from the bathroom freshly showered, shaved and dressed, he found to his surprise that Blair had prepared a meal of scrambled eggs, toast and fresh coffee. 

Jim gratefully thanked his roommate and sat down to enjoy his meal.  He ate heartily though he observed that Blair had taken none for himself.   The young man made no conversation and Ellison was content for a time to simply eat in silence. Finally, after all of the food was consumed, Jim dared to ask the question that he already intuitively knew full well the answer.

“I take it that Maya isn’t coming back?

“Yup,” the devastated reply came out.

So that’s it. Short and succinct, Jim thought.  Maya fell in love, but she blames Blair because he helped expose the truth about what a murdering son of a bitch her father was.

Sandburg looked to Jim as though he wanted to say more, to get something off his chest, but he remained silent.

“You can talk to me about it, Blair.“ Jim folded his arms and waited expectantly.

What came out of Blair was not a heartfelt confession, but a derisive snort.  “And why would I do that, Jim?  Just so you can rub it in and tell me ' told you so?'

Blair’s reply hurt Jim to the quick.  Jim knew he wasn’t the best person to help people talk about their problems, but this was Blair, his roommate and partner.  He had to try. The last thing the detective ever wanted was for Blair to be hurt by his involvement in Maya Carasco’s life  - an involvement that came about because of Jim's request.  Ellison bit back the retort that threatened to tumble from his lips. The muscles in Jim’s jaw twitched ever so slightly but other than that, he gave no indication that what Blair had said disturbed him.

“I’m more sorry than you know that you would think I would take pleasure in another man’s heartache, Chief, especially yours,” Jim replied with controlled grace.

Blair became suffused with shame at the thoughtless words he had hurled at his Sentinel.  “God, I’m an idiot,” he exclaimed.  “I know you wouldn’t do that to me Jim, it’s just…., “ Blair was uncharacteristically at a loss for words.  “It’s just that I feel like I deserve to be kicked when I’m down.”

“Why?” Jim asked sharply.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.“

“I really loved her Jim and I totally blew it.  For once in my life I found a woman I wanted to be with exclusively and she genuinely felt the same way about me.  Now she hates my guts.  She thinks I used her, and I can’t say I blame her.”  The despondent voice was shaky at the end of the brief speech.

“You didn’t use her.” Jim’s reply was firm and sure.

“How can you say that, man?  I gladly took her trust and her love and I trampled all over them just so I could prove that her father was a criminal.  What do you call that?”

Jim took a deep breath and waded directly into deep water. “Did you sleep with her, Chief?” he asked, knowing in his heart that Blair hadn’t.

Blair blushed a subtle shade of red and averted his eyes.  “I wanted to,” he replied softly.

“But you didn’t?” Jim asked expectantly.

“No, Jim,” Blair admitted reluctantly, uncomfortable with the intimate question.

“Did she want to sleep with you?

“Yes, she did,“ Blair replied warily..

“Why didn’t you then?” Jim kept probing.

“Because it wouldn’t have been right!”  Blair spoke with the passion of true conviction.  “I didn’t want to u….”

“You didn’t want to use her, Chief?”

The light of the realization of what he was on the verge of saying dawned on Blair.  He was quiet for a moment and then he spoke with just the hint of a ghost of a smile.  “Damn, Ellison, you’re good.” 

The small bit of a grin was fleeting as the guilt of what Blair had done still weighed heavily on his conscience.  The lost look returned to darken Blair’s eyes and he looked off to the side.  “You don’t understand, man.  I did to Maya what someone once did to me.  After the way I hurt, I vowed I would never hurt someone like that, and yet that’s exactly what I did.” The words spoken were steeped in bitterness and self-reproach. 

Jim leaned over and put his arm around Blair‘s hunched shoulder.  “Tell me,” he commanded gently.

Blair paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. “Well, you know how I started college when I was 16, right?”  He kept talking without needing an answer from Jim.  “There I was, this short, geeky kid who was younger than everybody else, talked too much, and thought he knew more than the professors.” 

“You haven’t changed all that much then, Sandburg,” Jim dared to interrupt with a joke and was rewarded by a short, but sincere laugh from Blair that warmed his Sentinel’s heart. Blair grew serious again as he continued the tale.

“I was so in my element Jim, except…well, I couldn’t get a date to save my life,” Blair admitted with unusual candor considering the topic. “Growing up with Naomi’s lifestyle, it wasn’t real hard to find a willing sexual partner. There I was, Jim, surrounded by all those beautiful, older coeds and no one would go out with me.“ The memory alone of enforced celibacy made Blair shake his head in exaggerated horror. 

“Anyway, there was this one girl who was in my Anthro 101 class who was absolutely the most incredible looking woman I‘d ever seen.  Her name was  Elizabeth Krantz, but everyone called her Lizzy. She had the most beautiful head of long black hair, green eyes, and a figure that could stop a clock.“ Caught up in his recollection, Blair’s hands drew an imaginary hour-glass shape in the air.

Jim just sat back and listened to Blair patiently.  Sooner or later his partner was going to get to the point of his story.

Blair continued, “I had it bad for her, you know?  Problem was that she would just brush me off like I was an annoying insect anytime I tried to talk to her.  Hell, I was an annoying insect to her.  She was a cheerleader, popular and definitely running in a crowd I wasn’t a part of.  That is until about 6 weeks towards the end of the semester.  See, I was sitting outside on a bench in front of the library when Lizzy came right up to me and started talking to me.  I couldn’t freakin’ believe it, Jim!  She started saying stuff like how much she really admired me and how she was too intimidated to say it before so that’s why she gave me the brush-off.  She said she wanted to get to know me better and then she asked me out.”

The pained look that had temporarily left Blair’s face returned with a vengeance.  “We went out a couple of times and she introduced me to her friends.  Most of the time though, I’d hang out in her apartment studying and doing homework. Eventually we made love. It was the best time in my life Jim.  I thought she really cared about me.  I know I really cared about her.”

Blair suddenly stopped talking as a shameful blush once again crept across his face.  “They say that what you don’t know can’t hurt you.  Well, I know first hand that isn’t true.  See, it turns out that it was all one big joke to Lizzy.  She made a bet with her friends that she could get in good with the little genius geek boy, steal his finals paper, and use if for herself.  The night before the papers were due, she kicked me out of her apartment and told me she never wanted to see me again.  I had no idea that she had copied my paper and then wiped my computer clean.  By the time I figured out what she had done, it was too late.   When I finally caught up to her to confront her, she was holding court with her girlfriends and football jocks.  I’ll can still remember the way they fell out laughing at me.  I thought I’d never forget how that felt to be used, but apparently I did.”

Blair got up abruptly from the table and began to clear the dishes and put them in the sink.  Jim contemplated what Blair had shared with him as he watched his roommate filling the sink with water and soap in preparation to wash the dishes.  All he could see was Sandburg’s  back and he knew the young man’s busy actions were really a shield behind which he was trying hard to maintain his composure in the presence of his Sentinel.  

A string of random thoughts came to Jim then, and his analytical mind rapidly sifted through them, organizing key truths from Blair‘s misperceptions, and discarding irrelevant facts.  He then attempted to distill the ideas he wanted to communicate down to the magic words that would convince Blair that he was no Lizzy. The truth was that what had gone down between Sandburg and Maya wasn’t even remotely like what that cheerleader bimbo had done to Blair.  Jim wasn't sure he could find the right words to say, much less the power to make Blair believe them.  There was one point though that he was determined to get across to Blair.

Jim rose from his seat at the table and went over to the sink and began to dry the dishes that Sandburg had just washed.  Side by side with his Guide, the Sentinel looked sideways at Blair and asked, “Chief, answer this one thing.  If you had seen Maya on campus and I hadn’t asked you to get to know her as part of a police investigation, would you have pursued her?”

Blair looked surprised at the question, “Of course, Jim. You don’t need Sentinel senses to see she’s beautiful inside and out. “

Jim fought the urge to say “Ah Ha!” Instead he asked, “Well, do you think if you hadn’t been in the same class with Lizzy that she would have pursued you?

Sandburg sighed like a put upon Saint. “Jim, were you listening to what I told you?  Lizzy only wanted to be with me because she needed my paper and she made a bet with her friends that she could get it from me.  She would never have given me the time of day otherwise.”

Jim looked up at the ceiling patiently and began to hum under his breath the tune, One of these things is not like the other…..

Blair gazed at Jim with a mixture of fond curiosity and amazement.  “Damn, Jim you did it again, “ he exclaimed.  His expression turned into a look of mock suspicion. “You didn’t minor in Psychology did you?” 

Jim laughed and rapped his knuckles lightly on Blair‘s head. “No, but I’d like to think I’m majoring in Sandburg,” he replied.  The Sentinel turned serious once more. “Look, Blair, I know you feel bad about what happened and I know things are worse because you got your heart broken.  According to my degree in life, the only real thing that’s gonna help is time and something else…..”

“And what would that something else be, Jim?” Blair asked with a raised eyebrow.

“A good workout.  C’mon, it’s a beautiful Saturday morning and not a raindrop in sight.  Let’s go down to the park for a run.”  The words were scarcely out of Jim’s mouth when he was running upstairs to change into his running gear.

Blair knew by the degree of Jim’s enthusiasm for the idea that he was not going to take no for answer.  He tried anyway.  In a voice too low for a person of normal hearing to hear in the next room, much less upstairs, he said, “Jim, you know I hate running.”

“Precisely, Darwin.  A hard run will most definitely take your mind off of your troubles for a while.  Now let’s get moving!”

Resigned to his fate of sweat, burning lungs and sore muscles, Blair huffed and went to his room to put on his running attire.

*******

Jim was right.  It was a perfect day to go for a run in the park.  The sun was shining, the air was crisp and very few people were in the park at that early hour.

Blair knew how they must look to others.  The tall man with the long legs running with the considerably shorter man by his side made for quite a pair.  In a rare moment of openness, the running detective effortlessly talked to his partner about his marriage to his former wife, Carolyn Plummer while Blair huffed along concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.   In that time Blair had not once thought about Maya.  He felt cleansed and invigorated by the great gulps of oxygen he was taking in.  On top of that, gradually the endorphins kicked in and, as a result, Blair felt much better than he had in recent memory. 

The two men had been running for nearly 20 minutes before Jim gradually made a turn to get them headed back to the parking lot where they ‘d started.  Some fifty yards away from the truck, Blair broke away from his Sentinel and sprinted to the imaginary finish line, arms raised in mock victory.   

Blair was indeed sweating and breathing hard, whereas Jim was barely perspiring from his effortless run.  Nonetheless, he took the time to cool off properly and ensured that Blair did the same all the while giving Sandburg a knowing grin.

“Ok, ok, you were right.  I do feel better, “ Blair declared honestly.  Sandburg’s eyes were a bright blue, free from the cloud of guilt and sadness that had darkened them just a few hours ago.  “Thanks a lot for being such a good friend, Jim,“ Sandburg shyly added.  “So what’s next?” he quickly asked before Jim could respond.  

“Well”…Jim looked at Sandburg with a humorous, speculative look in his eye. “It’s your turn to provide dinner tonight.  Why don’t you skip kitchen duties and take me out to eat, I’m reputed to be a pretty hot date.”

Sandburg swiveled around to stare up at Jim – and then he smiled, this time, a true Blair smile.  “Only if you wear a dress like the one Maya was gonna wear.”

Jim pretended to think for a minute as the two men walked side by side back to Jim’s parked car.

 “What color was it?” 

“Blue, man, matches the color of your eyes - same as the high heels,” Blair quipped back, barely containing his laughter.

”Uhuh Junior. I’d do a lot for you but I draw the line at wearing high heels! No way!” Jim declared shaking his head and chuckling.

“Yeah you will!”

“No I won’t!”

Yeah you will!”

******

An elderly pair of brothers, out for their morning walk, passed by the Sentinel and Guide and observed how the taller, imposing looking older man casually walked and joked with his arm slung over the shoulder of the younger, shorter man. Their aged eyes brightened and the wizened faces cracked knowing grins. Their spirits easily recognized brothers of the heart amidst the continuing banter.

The End 

2005